Forever Her Hero
by AddictedToViVid
Summary: Victoria pays a visit to the cemetery and privately grieves the loss of her true love, reliving a few precious memories. Situated somewhere between 01x01 'Pilot' and 01x02 'Trust'.
**Hi all! :) This bittersweet, nostalgic fic came to my mind at a time when I was actually expected to study. I would have loved to see something similar in the series. It would have made me an emotional wreck for days, but nevertheless it would have been very beautiful and filled my 'Vivid heart' with so much love. I greatly hope you can enjoy it too! :)**

* * *

The sun had barely risen when Victoria stepped through the iron gate and followed the stone path that led her to the big graveyard. She hardly slept last night. Yesterday at the Memorial Day Party she had learned, on one of the most cruel ways possible, that her husband was having an affair with her best friend, _her best friend_ , the only person she thought would never hurt her. Her emotions were scattered all over the place but oddly enough a sense of calm washed over her. As she walked down the path and then cut across the cemetery grounds, she felt envious of the people that were resting beneath the cold gravestones. For them the agony of living was over. The scent of the trees, bushes and the flowers on some graves reached her nose and she inhaled deeply. She knew exactly where she was going. She needed to be here, the closest to David she could physically be, here where there was still a tangible sign that he had lived on this world. Over the years, she often thought about him. His death left a great void in her life. And the latest events made her crave his presence all the more.

She edged her way through the graves toward the back area of the property, the neglected area, the graves no one bothered to visit. When she got there, it was almost like she had stepped into a different place. At the main area of the cemetery the grass had been nicely cut and everything was trimmed up nicely, but here the grass was taller and weeds grew up around the stones. Soon she was pushing herself through tall weeds and around broken and neglected tombstones.

Within several minutes, Victoria stood in front of the desired stone. She took a deep breath and let it out as one long sigh. "Hey, David", his name trembled off her lips. Then she knelt down and took a tissue out of her handbag to clean up his gravestone gently. When all the letters could be read again, she sat on the back of her legs and fixed her eyes on his name as she rested her hands on her lap. "It's been a while. Sorry about that. The season has just started and you know how it goes." She sighed. "It's the only thing that hasn't changed." A light breeze ran softly against her skin and it encouraged her to speak. "A new renter has settled in your house. A young woman, new in the Hamptons. I met her yesterday and I don't know what it is about her, but I don't trust her." Her senses were strong and had never failed her. She intended to keep an eye on her, not least because she had seen her son getting along very well with her.

A single finger traced the first letter of his name engraved in the stone. "It's difficult to see a stranger living there. When Michael and... Lydia were living there, I...believed they were taking good care of it. Now, it's time to let it go for real." She had spent so many good moments there, but they would never come back. Her voice cracked, "Another piece of you taken away." Right now when she needed him so desperately. If he were here, he would pull her in his arms, hold her tight and rub her back in a soothing motion. And to her own surprise his smell, the feel of his breath on her cheek and the feeling of shelter and protection would calm her down within the minute.

Her hand smoothed over the surface of the gravestone. "There's so much happening and I don't know if I can handle it. I really don't know. I need you…You were my rock, my hero." Victoria swallowed the lump forming in her throat, her voice thick with unshed tears. "You would never hurt me like that." She was disappointed and very much hurt. And she felt foolish, foolish that she gave Conrad a chance again, foolish to believe that he cared about her, even loved her. She had sworn that she would never allow him in her heart again and yet she did, only to be hurt again with no one to comfort her. Also, she felt so much anger that the affair of him and her so-called best friend was already going on for years, that Conrad had the right to have an ongoing love affair and that her life was a living hell because of her unfaithfulness. Worse, David paid it with his life. She knew that death was the only way he could be kept of her. Nothing was more important to him than her and his daughter. A familiar feeling crept into her mind. She was consumed by guilt for her share in his downfall ever since. Moreover, already shortly after the events, she didn't understand her attitudes anymore and why she had chosen this empty life, full of betrayal and longing.

Suddenly, she craved to hear the sound of his voice and his laughter and to see that I-want-you look in his blue eyes. She had known such big loneliness, but then David came into her life and he saved her. He had brought a ray of sunshine into her life. Now, without him, her heart felt even more empty and alone than it did before.

Her eyes grew misty. She missed him so much. More than she had imagined possible. She missed talking to him, missed his cheerfulness, his humor, his calmness, his warmth, tenderness and care, but most of all, she missed the way he had made her feel. He had made her feel vibrant and alive. He had filled a need in her heart, had made her feel complete. Now, in his absence, she felt lost. "I miss you, David...I always will.", pain cracked her voice and she tried to hold the tears that threatened to spill. "You were so good to me. Together we were so good. I know I'll never find that again." Silent tears trickled down her porcelain cheeks. Damn, why did he have to be so wonderful? So perfect! He knew exactly how to touch her, how to kiss her, how to please her. How to love her. It was no ordinary love. He loved her in a way that touched the deepest of her soul, a way that only seemed to exist in fairytales and she was sure she would love him for all the time to come. She looked up at the sky and recalled the moment when she told David about her past.

 _Tears were rolling down his face. She had lost so much, endured so much. "They...hurt you." David's fists were clenched at his side and in his eyes Victoria saw an unfamiliar, angry hardness which she couldn't stand._

 _"_ _I need names.", he demanded._

 _"_ _What?"_

 _"_ _They're going to pay."_

 _"_ _No!", she said firmly._

 _"_ _You won't give them?"_

 _"_ _No."_

 _He rose abruptly from the couch. "Fine, I'll find them myself."_

 _"_ _Please David...Please."_

 _"_ _No one is going to stop me! Not even you! They made you cry, made you suffer... used you...treated you like trash!" Victoria broke out into tears. She felt dirty all over, inside and out, no amount of washing would make her feel clean again. She shouldn't have told him, now nothing will be the same anymore, this was going to be the end._

 _He was pacing the room angrily. "Well, now they'll meet David Clarke and they'll live to regret it. No one does this you, no one!" He slammed his fist against the doorframe._

 _Then, as he came to his senses her crying ripped through him, the depths of her unhappiness shaking him to the core. Turning his attention to Victoria, he saw her sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest, hugging herself. Suddenly he felt sick of himself. What in God's name was he doing?_

 _With deep remorse, he walked back to the couch and sat down next to her. Then he took her hands of her body and placed them around him before he stretched her legs and lifted her into his lap. "Baby, I'm sorry. I was selfish. I'm so sorry. Can you please forgive me?" She buried her head in the crook of his neck._

 _David held her tight as she trembled and cried. "You don't have to cry alone. I'm here for you. I'll always be."_

 _She lifted her head to meet his gaze. "Always?"_

 _"_ _Always." He laced his fingers with hers. "Forever. Endlessly. Till the end of time."_

 _Her breathing grew slower and deeper again and her sobbing stopped. "Are you serious? Do you still want to be with me?"_

 _"_ _Of course! Did you think I wouldn't?"_

 _She looked away for a moment, but then back. "Yes."_

 _"_ _Why?"_

 _"_ _Maybe, it's more that... I thought you couldn't when you knew these things about me…when you knew I'm severely damaged… and not able to stand up for myself. I'm not good, I bring out the worst in people."_

 _It felt as though a knife had sliced open his heart. His eyes glistened with unshed tears and he shook his head, his voice cracking. "Oh no Vee, don't say that! Don't you ever blame yourself for this! You were the victim, absolutely and completely. And believe me, nothing that these monsters did to you can make me stop loving you. You're still the same beautiful person. I only wished you didn't have to go through that." He's a real gem. She still couldn't believe her luck. "Are you for real or a dream?" She snuggled up in his arms._

 _"_ _You can't go to them, David. They will destroy you and that, David, is something I can't bear. They may not change you, if they do, they break me down. Let it go, please… For me." "Ok, but only for you."_

 _"_ _Promise me."_

 _"_ _I promise." He kissed the tip of her nose. "I wonder how it is possible for two such heartless beings to bring a person into this world who's completely the opposite."_

 _As she shifted upward along David's broad chest, they gazed adoringly at each other as if seeing the other for the first time. Then she leaned in and pressed her mouth over his. Slowly and carefully like she was giving him time to adjust, the chance to pull away. She waited. She waited for anything that would be, would feel unusual. But nothing._

 _She kissed him again, longer and deeper. And as she did, she felt something different. Deep inside her. A moan escaped from her lips as her lover's tongue sought and found hers. She smiled against his mouth as she felt his body responding to her and with that she knew what was different. Her love for him. It had grown and strengthened tonight, it became unbreakable._

 _She broke off the kiss and pulled back a little so she could look in his eyes. "I love you. You can't imagine how much you mean to me."_

 _"_ _I love you, too and I want you to know something." He cradled her face in his hands and she felt the feathery warmth of his fingers gliding slowly from her cheek to her jaw. "You're a diamond, Victoria. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently and don't let these monsters dim your sparkle." Her stomach flipped over at the intensity of his words, the love in his eyes and then she kissed him with all the love, need and desire she could fit into this single action._

 _David dragged his mouth away, his chest heaving for breath. "Baby… if you….continue... like that, your clothes will soon be flying all through this room." And that was all she needed to be sure telling him her past was the best thing she has ever done. She felt light, completely accepted and so lucky._

 _"_ _Not only mine, I can tell you." She smiled seductively, dimples appearing at the edges of her mouth, before she kissed him ferociously._

There's a hole in her heart that she knew could never be filled anymore.

As she could taste the salt of tears running down her face, she took a tissue from her purse and dabbed at her tear stained cheeks. She often felt silly whenever she cried over him, her tears wouldn't bring him back. Nothing could bring him back to life. Each day again she tried to be strong, but not today. Not here. Not now. She allowed the tears to fall, allowed herself to feel for once, to express all the pain and longing she felt until she would feel blissfully empty. However badly she thought being without him would hurt, it was a million times worse. Through choked sobs she said: "I thought I could handle the pain from being apart from you but I can't… I walk around like everything is fine, but inside I'm dying."

The tissue in her hand had become a crumbled, soggy mess when she took a deep breath, wiped her eyes and regained her composure.

"I haven't told you yet how well Charlotte did this year at school. She graduated from high school with straight A's! Good genes hasn't she?" She chuckled softly. At this moment she couldn't care less about Conrad and reveled in her daughter's paternity. "Our baby is a pearl! Perfect in every way. She's funny, confident, intelligent, kind and so giving. It's a joy watching her. But, oh, she's extremely stubborn, she drives me crazy!", Victoria got carried away and talked to him as if he were alive. She knew that it was not logical and that he couldn't hear her, but somehow it felt right. "She makes up her mind and there's no reasoning with her. Don't you ever try to tell her not to do things her way! Inherited trait of us, I guess. She's a lot like you, David." Although she wanted nothing more, the resemblance between Charlotte and her father eventually turned out to be much harder to deal with than expected. "She has your golden heart, she's cheerful and carefree and lives life to the fullest, just like you. At heart she's not a Grayson at all." An old memory slipped into her mind that she pushed away swiftly. "I'm so proud of her but sad all at once. She's the most wonderful young woman I know but she's not my baby girl anymore. It seemed only yesterday when I was reading her fairytales and now she's already looking for a prince of her own! And you know, as well as me, there exist many frogs. I'm not ready to dry her tears from heartbreak, I don't think I'll ever be. She's our precious little girl, _ours_. I want to keep her safe, protect her from all pain. Of course I know that's not possible, but I'm having terrible recurring nightmares where she's in danger and I can't get to her. I love her with all my heart, David, I swear. If only she knew..." Thinking of her daughter, Victoria felt deep pain at the conflict and uncertainty of their relationship. She truly loves Charlotte, the same as Daniel, not more and not less. Yet, she didn't have the kind of relationship with her daughter that she hoped to have. Charlotte's paternity made her precious, but also vulnerable. No one could find out who her real father was or else she and her brother would suffer greatly and Victoria would never forgive herself if that happened. So to avoid raising suspicion, she had always been extremely cautious not to favor Charlotte over Daniel, not showing her a little bit more attention than her brother. Unfortunately, the painful cost was that she and her daughter were distant and had a strained relationship. "I tried my best, I really tried my best! But I told you I needed you."

She couldn't stop the flashes and recollections anymore.

 ** _July 1993_**

 _David held her face between his hands and planted several tender kisses all over her face. The warmth of his palms calmed her, made her feel cherished. Indescribable feelings overwhelmed all her inner senses. Then he covered her lips with his and drew a long slow kiss out of her._

 _"_ _I love you.", she said when their lips finally parted._

 _"_ _I love you too, sweetheart."_

 _He then lay down on his back and pulled her into an embrace. Victoria twined her legs with his and laid her head down on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was steady and calm, a lot like him. They lay in silence, cherishing what they had found with each other. He caressed her bare back affectionately and Victoria could think of nothing but him. His warmth, his scent, his arms around her. She felt safe and at peace and she never wanted his arms off her, never wanted him to let go of her. She fought back her tears and pressed herself as close to him as she could get. David felt her nestle closer and tightened his arms around her even more._

 _"_ _I love how you hold me.", she said softly._

 _"_ _Good, because my arms feel empty without you, my precious."_

 _"_ _No one has ever made me feel so comfortable."_

 _David turned his head and pressed a kiss to her temple. "No one has ever felt so good to be with as you."_

 _He noticed a tear rolling down her cheek and carefully brushed it away with his thumb. He knew what was bothering her. "Hey my baby, don't be sad. The trip will be over soon and then I'm right here waiting for you." Tomorrow she will fly to Chicago to join Conrad on his business there. Although Daniel had a holiday, Conrad didn't give mother and son many chances to make up for lost time._

 _After a moment of contemplating, David looked at her and sat up, pulling her into his lap. "Maybe I can give you something when you're back." He smoothed her hair from her face. "Something to brighten your days, something of us both. Something that connects us forever." He knew she experienced a lot of lonely days and he wanted to make her feel better. A few hours before, he had caught her staring at a picture of him and Amanda for a long time and she had put it back, saying 'she's such a sweet girl.'_

 _"_ _What do you mean?" She furrowed her eyebrows._

 _"_ _Something beautiful…innocent…cheerful…made with love…to love…growing..." He placed his hand on her lower abdomen. "here." He was tenderly stroking the soft flesh with his gaze fixed there, imagining how it would look like._

 _She swallowed the lump in her throat, her eyes brimming with tears._

 _"_ _You will be so extremely beautiful. Completely divine.", he said in adoration._

 _"_ _David…", she pleaded, her voice cracking with emotion. She couldn't handle hearing more. Not so long before, her own thoughts had involuntarily drifted there. She longed to have another child, his child. The idea of carrying a baby half of him and half of her for nine months and seeing the man she loved reflected in the child's image had made her tingle all over. She thought she was crazy for only allowing herself to think about this in their current situation._

 _He stopped his movements on her belly and looked up. He saw tears well in her eyes and it broke his heart. He had done this to her._

 _"_ _I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it. I don't want to cause you pain, least of all. I want to make you happy." The warmth of his hand on her belly made it impossible for her to think straight._

 _"_ _I know and I love you all the more for that…but this is not right." She took his hand of her stomach and kissed it, a single tear falling onto his wrist. "It's not right." She repeated, also to convince herself. The disappointment she could detect in his eyes cut deep._

 _"_ _Then you'll never have to feel alone, never, and I would give it with great pleasure."_

 _"_ _As long as we can't be a family, it's not the way we deserve."_

 _"_ _It will be hard not being around as much as I like, but as long as you are happy, I can endure. I would do anything for you, Vee, anything." He could taste the salt in between their lips as she kissed him with all the love in her heart._

 _"_ _I can't understand how you can love me so much."_

 _He smiled at the love of his life as he brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "I didn't know that I could love so deeply, but you are so incredibly wonderful. You're the only woman who turned my world upside down from the first moment, from the first gaze. You're all I want, all I need. It's easy for me to love you, Vee."_

 _She lifted her hand and put it to the side of his face, stroking his cheek with her thumb._ _Breaking the silence between them, David said softly: "Maybe you're right. I didn't think this through, I let my feelings get the best of me. It's just…", he sighed, "I can't help it but the thought of a part of me growing in you drives me crazy. I would love to have a child with you! God if it were possible, I would make a whole planet of babies of you and me! The world would be a better place." She chuckled while as a result of the desire in his voice a warm, tingling sensation coursed through her, settling in the pit of her stomach. He brought her closer again and started drawing patterns on her arm. "Imagine your heavenly looks, your dark hair, your addictive lips and cute dimples, your temper, your passion, your courage and determination." "And your eyes and smile, your tenderness and calm, your pure good heart and moral values, your gratitude for life."_

 _"_ _Yes, Vee, all that. I can give it to you, if you would just let me. Admit that it's not that wrong. The most perfect child the world has ever seen, the most loved child the world has ever known."_

 _Her voice choked up. "Please never leave me, David!" She wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his shoulder. "I need you." She pulled him so tightly against her as if they would become one being, his flesh and hers would blend, his heart and her heart would beat together in unison.  
_

 _"_ _I'm not going anywhere, I promise."_

She buried her head in her hands, water flowing through her fingers, her whole body shaking with sadness, despair and heartbreak.

When her tears were spent, she pressed her lips to her hand and left a kiss on the gravestone of her dear David. Then she rose and walked back quickly, avoiding other memories that would overwhelm her.

 **So that was it, congratulations to you for reaching the end! And of course, thank you very much for reading!**

 **P.S.: I like to hear from you :)**


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